random + true acceptance

lots of random things going through my head lately & not enough time to write about them - so i'm just   getting them down here -- may come back to this to write more detail later. posting without edits but will come back to fix them later (so lots of typos today!)

never updated on my trip to jillian michaels in may. I'm not a jillian fan really, but i do have to say that she is an amazing and motivational speaker and that can never hurt. didn't learn anything groundbreaking (& didn't expect to) but kind of like reading a really good book of guided meditations, and questions to find your direction or remember why you are doing something. It was a good night. i also learned that she has a podcast that is actually not at all like her TV persona - very interesting.

lots of enlightening reminders lately - 

grandmother found out she has an illness that - while treatable - is not cureable. we're hoping for the best on this part of her journey - and i knew this time would come eventually. it could be overnight. it could be years of fighting or treatment will work and she will have a few extra years of living. She is my last living grandparent, and the one i am closest to --her presence and wisdom got me through my teen years and many life lessons in between. i am going to be optimistic, but also realiistic. this one will probably be harder than any other loss in my life (other than my son).  Ugh. So - if you are a praying person -- in whatever religion or spiritual practices you observe -- i'd appreciate if you can keep her in your thoughts. 

I want to be there for my son. he will need us to navigate the world and teach him how to do so more than his typical peers. it is not always easy, sometimes heart-breaking to see him at his most upset and he needs his mom to help him through. 

he wants to do so many things and i can not do them in my current state. i can not take him on the tree canopy at a local science center (because i weigh too much). Swinging bridges 3 stories high are not my favorite thing, but i want to be able to share those things with him. There was a time --many years ago-- when i could do the ropes courses--and even helped guide others but now i have to explain to my son why i can not.  he is missing an opportunity because neither of his parents can share certain activities with him. He came back from camp talking about how much he loved canoeing. Another of my not-favorite-things but one he should not have to miss out on because i can barely fit in the boat and would be uncomfortable at best.  

We were at camp a couple of weeks ago where there was a family night event with a haunted house. The exit was through a window of the house. I tried but there was no way this body was going to fit through that window even with careful planning.  he had to wait for me to come down the stairs.  there were a few others who did that but not for the same reasons i did.  i don't want a lifetime of that. i want to be able to be part of his fun and the sometimes crazy things he would love to see his mom do. 

i have said many times that i am doing this in part for other people - i want to see him graduate and not be worried about us. i want to be a good example. i want to show him that healthy and active can be family activities. However, i can not do this for other people. i have to do this for myself. I have said that many times too.

i know i have a lot of things to work through but hope i can remember the strength i felt when i did 10 minutes of zumba (thank you YouTube) or walked a mile on a winter snow hike last winter or saw the top of a new hill for the first time. i know it is there but i doubt myself. while i am generally at peace with the past, with taking charge of my own life & priorities even if they are not always in sync with others around me, i am still struggling to let go of someething. there is still that question of doubt, i think that child waiting for permission of some sort - which sounds so strange to write when i am nearing 40.  i have "worked on it" for a long time but i can not get past something. i once wrote & now think that i need to give myself permission to love myself. that sounds simple, and i have done that to some degree, but i think in reality, i have convinced myself that i have done it just enough to fell OK about it but not enough to reach my heart and truly believe.  I need to love myself - and all my flaws, my past, my "bad" days in the kitchen, etc. enough to put my health first, to find the motivation i need. i need to  figure out what is holding me back from that - what is it i'm afraid of admitting or accepting in the process. i need to figure it out -- my life depends on it. 

reality check + vacation

I'm once again on vacation - writing from the same street as last year. i stared down chocolate yesterday - on my birthday - and didn't even want any. i guess that's a good thing. however, i am in a much different --and in some ways, more negative -- place than last year. 

but trying to eat healthy on vacation is HARD. everyone brings sweets. My MIL brought chocolate cake for my birthday - although i told my husband that i'd be happy with a fruit parfait or tart. At least it was a small cake, but i've had 3 pieces over the past 2 days. She brought at least a quart of blueberries from our favorite farm, and then commented that I should "save some for the rest of us" when I apparently put too many on my cereal one morning. i want to find local berries, but that too is met with questions about why i would spend my vacation driving around to try to find a farm...

Eating out is also a challenge. I've given up on finding 'healthy' on the menu at the beachside stands and institutions that have been here forever. I settled on a basic grilled cheese the other day-they did have a veggie sandwich but i know from past years that veggie is not something they do well. At least I went with something where I can identify the ingredients and relatively low in sodium.

We went out last night and i did not get ice cream -even as i stood in line with others who did- though i will probably get some tonight. After our surf & turf dinner of lobster (which i don't eat anyway) and steaks on the grill. I found local zucchini and organic (if not local) potatoes at the farm yesterday, so I plan to make something with those to go with the meat and carbs. We also have delicious local corn - our first of the season.

I feel better overall than I have for a while- almost lighter - though my ankles and calves are sore from all of the walking. My body is definitely reminding me that it is overall a bit rusty since last year's trip.  I am disappointed that i'm in the same bathing suit and different shorts this year -because the old ones don't fit well anymore.  That is upsetting to me. I suppose that is a good thing in the long run, but really not a good feeling and a reminder of how far I have NOT come since last year.  

SO - what do others do on vacation? Even if you can't always make the best choices, have limited options, etc.- how do you cope with that psychologically? it is hard not to feel like i'm defeating myself or to say "what the heck...i'm on vacation" and not lose focus on the big picture. 

Motivation & Finding my Key?

Invitation to go hiking w marathoner=instant motivation!

This is a good thing & i warned her that i am a v e r y. S l o w hiker- thought i enjoy it - but I have a lot of work to do! I'm really just a beginner. But excited that one of n's friends who loves being outdoors as much as he does can explore together. I'm kind of excited to have someone experienced to show me the trails. But very worried that the 6 yr olds can out run me!

Time to refocus on the walking routine that slipped while we were sick the past 6 weeks or so (when I get a cold, my asthma means that it takes a long time to get over it)...a few family walks have happened but definitely out of the habit--and missing it-- and the scale is showing it. I'm starting over again, it seems. I'm so ready for summer veggies & fruit!

Did I also mention in here that I - unfortunately - officially have pre-diabetes on my record? Trying to make sure I get more veggies in and glad to get back to more activity so I can reverse that. It runs in my family, so not a surprise, but not what I want to see before my 40th bday.
Cough variant asthma. (Possibly exercise induced at times as well). Fibromyalgia (under control most of the time). Allergies. Carpal tunnel. Bunion & orthotics (feet). Vericose veins. Edema (cause unknown).
So frustrating to be unhealthy and not find the key to keeping on top of exercise and nutrition at the same time.

So...(deep breath...) I know it has to be something internally holding me back. And though I have a wealth of things I've been working on & through for years, I think my heart does know...but doesn't know the solution...ugh. I am a survivor. When I was 12-- not coincidentally I'm sure, when I was my healthiest -- until 16, I was a victim of sexual abuse. It was a corner of my world that no one else saw and I carefully compartmentalized from the rest of my life at the time and since. I talk about it selectively (& worked through worked through w various professionals) but I think somewhere in the process, I lost the connection with my own body in a way., and the feeling that I deserve to be and feel happy. I have known this, but there was disconnection with the belief that it was true.

I don't know what led me to write it here today, but perhaps it is a sign of progress and finding the key for me...and perhaps reading will help someone else searching for theirs.

Life...interrupted

Busy week with my mom here from out of town. Schedule was not the norm, nor was eating -- but I still tried to make mostly healthy choices. We went to lunch the 1st day--I choose a "Woo Food" option that I knew was a bit healthier than the norm, and added extra broccoli. I'm getting quite good at asking for what I want, even when dining companions think I'm being picky or overly complicated. (I've realized a few things about our culture along the way-- but that's another post).
Ordered toppings on the side at Outback a few days later vi did get a baked potato but skipped the sour cream and had everything else on the side so I could choose how much I wanted to eat. I still had a great treat with that potato but only a few sprinkles of cheese and no bacon or sour cream. Extra side of broccoli was also great - topped with a splash of lemon. Yum!
So- consumption of not-always-healthy food was up and trips to the gym were down. BUT I did get there once and walked a few days when I could. I pulled out the scale mid-week and wasn't thrilled but also realistic considering the week we had.
SO- today's weekly number was a pleasant surprise. 8.5 gone in 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to the impending snow this weekend, but I am excited that my son can try out his new sled and have already mentioned to him the possibility of going to try snowshoeing on Sunday.he asked about it 2 yrs ago but it was icy by then, and last year there just wasn't the snow to do it. So I'm determined to at least try this month and hope we can figure it out together! The Audubons near us have snowshoes for only $2-$5 and we're members so why not. I also think it might be fun for our son to see mom trying something new and enjoying the outdoors (even if I freeze doing it! I need warmer boots and snow pants--which are impossible to find for someone who is above a size 14 or so-- well above-- and short! )
On to another week!

Month 1

Jan 31... 7.5 pounds lost. Gym 10 days since jan 11 (seems longer than that). Intentional exercise 14/20 days. I'll call that a win. Today starts week 4 of my journey -- which, I'll note, has nothing to do with the new year; the calendar was just a coincidence.
Have my gym bag in the car just in case I get there today. Yesterday I changed at work but then was delayed - got to gym but not enough time to work out. So, I went home and walked around the block. Then i met my son's bus and did it again with him. I had no trouble keeping up with him and was reminded that walking in the rain can be fun! We would have gone again had it not been for the sleet mixing in. Fun!

Progress!

Since jan 7 (19 days): 8 trips to the gym, 11 workouts, 5 pounds gone.

Progress!

Scale or no scale...

I have a dilemma. I think I need to ignore the scale for a while. I know this is part of how I got back to where I am but today when I saw the number - even though it went down- it did not feel good. It took the happy I've been feeling and squashed it just a bit. I know that doesn't really make sense but I think maybe it is because it was another reminder of how much further I need to go and how crappy it feels to know I am losing this particular 25-30 pounds again.

I've been feeling good. I haven't been sending my food logs but I am eating better and writing it down. I'm not getting too upset if things aren't "perfect" - I'm ok if I'm refocusing in one area and only working through some of the rest for now. I'm content and happy.

I've gone to the gym 4 times this week and worked out 3 of them. I went when I didn't have time to stay very long; when it was raining and foggy and a perfect day to go home instead after work; when i had to drive across town on a sunday afternoon; when I was tired; when others questioned and asked me to come home. All easy excuses-- but I went anyway, and even texted my husband that it was fun! Yep-- Me. Exercise. Fun!
I feel invigorated. Happy. Loving this.

It's What I DO now

Heading to planet fitness I don't have much time today but even if I work out 25 minutes instead of 30 it's worth it. then the rush across town to get my son off the bus and run around all afternoon. It will be a rush but if not here, I'd be rushing somewhere else. I could go to target instead but I decided that it's finally time to put me first. strangely it feels like this is something I just do now doesn't feel like a chore. Yesterday i hit traffic & didnt get here in time to work out...but i went inside and got a tour/orientation. I decided that if i needed to go in to establish the routine. just feels like what.i.do.

Small Steps

Quick post - because I'm trying to stay accountable rather than 'say everything' that I'm thinking.

Today was a good day. Beautiful sunshine and dry pavement- after I saw the bus off, I walked to the end of my street, then back past our house and to the other end. It wasn't very long but it was a step in the right direction and reminded me of how much I love the solitude of a calm and quiet walk with nature. I need to find a way to get hiking/walking boots- I thought I had a good pair this summer but my podiatrist vetoed them. LOL. To say I have tricky feet is an understatement. I will probably need to get a men's pair to fit my feet and pay $$$ but one thing at a time I guess. They have to be comfortable without costing a fortune.

In any case-- I enjoyed the walk on a mild winter day. Came home, ate breakfast and instead of turning on the TV I turned on the WII. According to the game, I 'biked' nearly 2 miles then did a few other activities. It's a start...

on my way home, I stopped at the gym a-- and joined. I'm hoping to get back tomorrow for the full tour and maybe a walk.

Dinner didn't really happen since I fed mt son and got him to bed- then promptly fell asleep! I need to get back to freezer cooking or make ahead meals (suggestions always welcome)

In case I forget, i need to write about the coffee comparison

Thank you all for reading, taking time to comment here & elsewhere. I appreciate it!

Happy New Year

The scale was ugly- I won't lie. I'm not usually one to share this publicly but wish I could create a big flashing reminder on my phone, fridge, & wallet at all times and this is the closest I can come.

287...yes--that's a 2-8 :( I am amazed at how quickly the 'hovering within 5 pounds' turned into this again. I was sick and getting on the scale was not a priority. I was lazy- I let some of my good habits go. I stopped exercising. even when sick, I would catch up on tv completely sedentary rather than moving my body. I used to walk in place or do stretches, yoga, toning --at least during the commercials and often the nightly news. I bought ingredients to make sweets for the holidays--and when I ran out of time to make an extra batch, we ate the ingredients instead. A handful of chocolate chips here; a late night of peanut butter and fluff on a spoon...I do not feel guilty but really wish I'd just taken the 30 seconds to get on the scale and see the impact.

I lost all accountability to myself and that is why I am practically right back where I started. Except I am still generally healthier and don't eat any piece of random chocolate or salty snack put in front if me. I threw away half a bag of chocolate squares because they really were not what I enjoy. I have invested in the tools to help me succeed--and I shudder to think where I might be right now if I did not.

I said about a week ago that I would be realistic about holidays but would then recommit to myself. I signed in to myfitnesspal; started wearing my fitbit religiously again (but need to set up synching with a different computer since mine died-- wish they had wireless synching!). I am planning on getting back in touch with my program at UMass--even if i can't attend monthly meetings, I CAN send my food logs for a while to keep myself accountable.

I know this is a journey so I do not feel as if I've "failed" --because I caught myself. I have made the journey more difficult for myself for a while, taken a long detour from the intended path, but I am still on the road. It is my life and my future and I am committed to being here to fully embrace every moment of it.