a number i never thought i'd see again

this has been a hard fall. our house - including me - has been sick in one way or another for about 6 weeks. it has meant little exercise and little appetite - which meant i was pretty much eating the BRAT diet or crap when i did feel like eating. antibiotics landed me in urgent care with dehydration 2 weeks ago and just as i was coming out of that the holidays hit...now i think i have a head cold (again) but hopeful that is all and i may be able to start the new year moving in the right direction again. until about 2.5 weeks ago i was still checking the scale every week or so, but now not so much. i was about 5 lb in the wrong direction, which was frustrating but not insurmountable...
then i went to the doctor last week and saw a number i never thought i'd see again. now i'm just angry and disappointed in myself. frustrated in myself. annoyed that i have cough-variant (and maybe at times exercise induced) asthma so exercising when sick is not often a wise thing...but something has to change in a BIG way. This is NOT OK. i guess that's the first start...

a couple of months ago, my husband & I were driving around the mountain near us and i wished i'd had time to stop and take a short hike up from the base. I know i wouldn't get too far - it's a tall mountain and i don't have the right equipment (even good hiking boots) but i have discovered in recent years that i enjoy being in nature. i am calm and peaceful with the leaves and an open trail in front of me, wondering what i might find around the next corner. I don't love the mosquitos (they love me!) and ticks, nut when i don't have to share with them, i love the discovery that lies ahead of me. My son also seems to like exploring outdoors too. He often runs ahead of me. I would love to start hiking with him more regularly (anyone want to help us learn/explore?). So, in that moment, driving through and around the mountains, i decided that i would climb it by the time i'm 40. That's just over 2 years away. i could not do it today but hope that i can work up to it, build my endurance and confidence on my feet; and feel like i can be nimble enough to do it rather than uncomfortable and clumsy in my own skin.

i am working at panera today on a project for certification in my field and choose the veggie soup with clear broth rather than the yummy broccoli cheese or baked potato that i love. it's good and i'm not sure i really wanted something creamy today but on another day it might be more difficult. it was a very very very way-too-small step in the right direction so i'll hang on to that.

i miss the group i used to go to (if anyone is reading - i no longer get updates from the program?! and haven't been able to attend since the meeting was moved to evening at UMass) :( i wish there were another way to keep up with that source of encouragement or a weekend group. it is just helpful to feel like you can connect with others who understand the struggle - especially when it feels like a struggle.

there is a new fitness center that opened 5-10 min from my work so i'm thinking about joining there. when i told my husband i added that to my christmas idea list, he said "why? you won't go anyways." i can't change his opinion but can choose to not let it affect my actions. i just need to figure out how i can get there - i haven't found time to visit since things have been crazy with being sick, holidays, etc...but i am not happy with where things are so i need to change. i need to find a trainer to help me stay accountable - not necessarily to work out everyday but to check in, give me some ideas when i am low on energy or time, and help me stay focused on the goal...problem is that costs $, of which i have little...just having someone to check in on my activity might help me stay more accountable. i should be able to be accountable to myself but obviously that is too easy to avoid/ignore.

sorry for such a negative post (if i have any readers) but i said i'd keep it all here and this is where i am today. i hope bing honest about the struggle will help me in the long run. there was a time not too long ago where i may not have recognized or been bothered by where i am.

i'm going to be selfish for a minute -- if you are reading, and you don't see a post at least weekly, can you email me about it? hoping that will help me remember to keep this in the forefront of my busy life instead of the background. Thanks to my readers for your help!

Vacation is over

I actually feel like I've lost weight during my vacation but the scale showed +3 this morning. I can only imagine what could have been had i not done so much walking.

I enjoyed my vacation. I had ice cream several times-but also choose Lo-fat frozen yogurt with fruit once instead. I had a veggie sandwich on whole wheat English muffin for 'brunch' one morning instead of donuts or fried dough snacks.
But I also ate the potato chips with dinner -probably more than I've had in an entire year because we don't buy them at home- and several hot dogs which I don't love nut there's something about vacation.

I only bought 2 pieces of chocolate despite being surrounded by fudge and candy shops. I was kind of surprised that I didn't crave it more, but not entirely. It is an example of how my mind & body have changed. I truly didn't even want it.

I'm hoping some of The weight is from the sodium in vacation food but that is not an excuse.

I am glad that I did not go completely off track on vacation and found ways to pay attention to what I needed. The last night, they were bringing ice cream back to the house and I was planning a walk. I still took the walk - though I did get the ice cream on my own, i was walking 1+ hours first.

Unpacking today but after I get the laundry in, I plan to go for a walk. The iPod is ready. My son is at grandma's so it would be easy to sit and catch up on tv but I will take time for me in a new way.

THIS is vacation?!- a new perspective

Vacation- ironically this may be the milestone of change in this journey. I looked up a mountain nearby for a short hike --have been coming here for years and had no idea it existed. I never knew because I was content to stay in,not explore,& stick to the usual activity that everyone else was doing (antiquing, reading, driving. I haven't been there yet but I plan to go-we'll probably drive to the summit and then my son & I will do a short trail. We're pretty inexperienced at this but he loves hiking and I''m trying to make it something we can do together. I need a buddy though LOL!

Some people in my family think I'm strange & I am spending a bit more time away from them at times but I decided it's ok to do another 2 laps of the beach even if they want to go back to the house - ok to make me and my healthy interests a priority. It is difficult to be the change agent in a family but I have to do it for me. I have to give my son a good example too-healthy active parents are important no matter what the size & vacation can be just as fun exploring as sitting or building sandcastles.

I've never gone on vacation and looked for ways to get out & up! Just discovered snails eating on rocks in a tidepool that always seemed "too far" to walk.
I've done almost 5000 steps and it's only 9:30 a.m. I need vacation every week!

It's not an overnight huge change on the scale, but I think oneday I will look back and see this as a huge milestone on the journey. It's a cosmic shift in how I do vacation & I think a reminder that even though it's a long road and the scale nay be slow to budge, I have days that are awful eating days & way out of balance, my mindset has changed. I didn't feel like I "had to" walk like a chore but it was just something I did.

...and it feels amazing!

UPDATE: 8:45 pm- 11245 steps! 4.62 miles! 20 flights of stairs equivalent!

Strengthening the Core

just a quick note to remind myself (& any readers?) what to write about next.  I have been working my way back to things.  it is easy to get discouraged by not seeing the scale budge (or V-E-R-Y slowly) although it's not going up either, which is an improvement. . .So, exercise has  been lacking lately - did i mention that it's been 90+ degrees for at least a week here?! 
So, the main topic of today is that in order to work on/"fix" the outside, you must first seriously and thoughtfully, work on the INSIDE.  It's kind of like the airline rule that you must "first help yourself" before helping others.  In this case, Mind + Body *ARE* the "others."  I have learned a few things and also been forced to re-examine a few things from my past that i'd rather not. However, as i do that, my view is clarified and i realize that each new discovery is a step to strengthening the inside - the emotional inner child who is in hiding most of the time, but very much a presence in my life.  It is not easy work, but i cna see very small changes in the way i view the world and myself in it.  I feel like i'm making progress...

and on that note - for next time - is my favorite new & amazing tool ~ the FitBit!

An Uphill Battle...Memorial Day Alert FAIL

SO...i was at a memorial day cookout today. available food included:
pasta salad (did have a few peas, but not even really a good flavor -- i shared mine w/ my husband after 1 bite)
bbq turkey keilbasa
plain turkey keilbasa
hot dog/white bun
cheeseburger/white bun (store-bought, pre-made patties from the meat case of supermarket)
carrot cake w/ raisins & homemade cream chesse frosting
pita chips (Stacey's), potato chips (Cape Cod), crackers
Whipped cream cheese/chive
onion sour cream dip
& another onion dip that was similar to the dip that comes with Bloomin' Onion at Outback

um...yeah...so i ate way too much. Haven't had that much crap food for a loooong time (so maybe i'm making more progress than the scale shows).  I had pita chips but probably 2 portions by the time i was through & a LOT of the spicy onion dip that happened to end up on the table next to me outside. also potato chips (but stopped after about 10 because they just didn't taste as good to me as i remembered. i was feeling yucky from carb/processed food overload), 1 piece (1/4 of a link) bbq keilbasa, 1/2 cheeseburger (with yellow american cheese - probably not from the deli case...can you say processed!).
And, even though i don't love carrot cake, i had a piece...and then another small piece while sitting in the kitchen talking. It was so moist & the frosting was...wow...but as soon as i ate it, i felt the sugar bleh setting in.

Clearly my body & now my mind did not like what i was eating today. not a single fruit or veggie. there were lettuce leaves for the burgers on the table, but not what i wanted at the time. I thought maybe we'd have the traditional strawberry shortcake for dessert - fresh berries maybe...but not this year. i know those are loaded with sugar, etc. when we do have them but still...no berries. no watermelon. no veggies with dinner.
All of this in a family where 3 of us are actively trying to lose weight (or should be), 1 diabetic, 1 with all sorts of health issues, 1 who had a heart attack this spring, 1 who tries to avoid bread/eat "well," and 3 kids under the age of 5.

It is an uphill battle when THIS is the food scene that greets us at a family gathering.

finally a 5K?

i didn't get here yesterday. it has been a crazy week, and - honestly- i've been a bit down lately. everything has been rushed and my husband has been working a lot, i've been exhausted, not sleeping well, etc. So, i've been behind on a few things.

I'll have some time this weekend to catch up, but 2 updates today:

* my company is sponsoring a 5K in the fall with a walking division! i've had a mini-goal of walking a 5K at least on the treadmill several times. Something has always come up - injury, illness, vacation, other life stress...so, i'm hoping to make this a concrete goal and actually do it. I read a training guide to walking a 5K but can't find the bookmark now (feel free to share your favorites). I know there are several runners here, but i have fibromyalgia so the more gentle walking is better for me. I've gotten a little over 2K in 25 min before i was derailed the last time, so i know i have a ways to go. One of the sites i read suggested starting with 15 min of walking 3 days, day off, then repeat; adding more time each week. That seems manageable from a physiological perspective, though my biggest hurdle is carving out that time each day. i think it will be a great goal to work towards and help me become more consistent with my exercise for a while...wish me luck!

* they are also doing a WL challenge at work this month. I'm not sure how i'll do, but thought it couldn't hurt. i've already noticed that i'm logging more but still only 50% of my meals logged this week so far. i think i do better when i have someone or something to keep me accountable though. Need to find a way to do that when the challenge is over.

* and, after a couple of months of clothes feeling a little too snug (and one NEW pair of pants ripping across my hip - where i thought i would never see it again), i was pleasantly surprised that my pants felt looser this morning. YES! hopefully moving in the right direction.

i'm off to my day job but hope some of my readers (i know you're out there) will leave a comment to say hello. let me know if you want to know about anything specific or have tips to pass along.

A new plan

So my attempt to keep this up have failed miserably...as have my efforts the past month or two. I could tell you all that has gone on the past month - family sick, travel, stress...but those are excuses. The truth is that I have been slacking. Even with those events, I could have been tracking more but my food journal is blank. I went away last weekend and ate things I haven't for months - cheese fries were abundant and exercise not. I did make some healthy choices - loved the greek restaurant for that - but other times not so much. I went to the bakery with my son. I had cheese at a reception -- a lot of it and probably some of the best I've had. I did have fruit a few times but it was only available for breakfast at our location. More excuses. Ugh.
I did confirm that even as the scale tries to inch back in the right direction (before the trip), my hips have not. They are making it hard to find summer pants that fit right. The familiar pocket bulge is back and risk of clothing destroyed by tears is on the rise. I am disappointed in myself mostly for letting this creep back. I thought it was behind me...
Those hips also caused havoc on the planes. My friend the seatbelt extended was back. I'd say I was disappointed, but this actually registered more anger than disappointment. I remember the feeling a couple of years ago when I flew and didn't need one. But the worst part this time was when my son asked me what it was for :(. I did not tell him the whole truth - that I was simply too big -- but instead that it helped the seatbelt fit and work more comfortably and safely. I hope that I never have to answer that question again.

SO - I need a reboot. I need to be more accountable and I need to stop caving to the excuses.

And i need some help from my (few) readers. I have a small chunk of time on Wednesday mornings - not quite long enough to work out & still get to work on time but long enough to blog and track and maybe do a few minutes of yoga or strength training.

I actually added "blog" to my calendar for that time & this is where I need your help. If you don't see a blog at least every Wednesday morning, ask me where it is! ( or anything else you want to know) I hope this small commitment will help me meet the bigger ones & having a deadline of sorts usually helps too.

Technically, it is Wednesday, so I'm off to a good start but will still try to write tomorrow to start the routine. Thanks for your help, support, and comments along the way!

A little help from my friends...

Off to a good start today - thanks ro a friend who read my blog and sent an encouraging message. It was just what I needed to stick to my commitment to do something active everyday. We slept in unintentionally and were tired, but I put on my workout clothes to take my son to school. I didn't just bring the bag with the clothes in it -- I put them on. Huge step in focusing my energy in the right direction. Grabbed a cereal bar (not ideal but we were late and I remembered all the times sherry (& Jenny) reminded us of why working out before eating is not a good thing. . . Dropped off son - tearful today and staying at school late. I could have gone home and done something unhealthy but the gym was right there and I was prepared. Treadmills were open since it is school vacation week. I set it for 30 min but ended up doing 45, though not at the rate I did a few months ago. I'm slowly working my way back into being more active so have to pace myself (again). I just typed that with "exercise" and erased it. LOL. I'm living a more active lifestyle which can include so much more than traditional exercise activity. Even when I was on the treadmill today, it didn't feel like something I had to do but something I wanted to do. I have the stuffy nose that is the start of a cold- but I did it anyways.

It felt good to start my day like that instead of feeling guilty all day because there was no time to fit it all in.

getting back on track (& soup recipe)

It's been a good couple of days, but i'm still struggling to get back to a routine post-surgery. i feel like i can do more, but am not 100% and because i haven't really exercised for a few weeks, I can really feel the difference in energy and exertion levels. I was shopping this weekend for summer clothes (going to FL in a few weeks for a family event) and was.not.happy.

Even though the scale is "only" about 8 lb more than a year ago, and i know some of that was water near the end of the day (when i didn't take my rx for edema) -- i know whatever has come back has settled not-so-nicely into my belly. It is definitely different, flabby, and i almost think it's currently bigger than when i was pregnant with my son. :( Very disappointing. And, most definitely means that NONE of the few summer pants i wore last year will fit. I tried not to buy a lot because i was *losing* and was sure i'd be smaller next summer...i've been saying that for maybe 5 years (& probably much longer than that) but i'm TIRED of it.

This is so frustrating, and - if i'm being honest - kind of defeatist to see that nothing fits because of my belly flab. It's hard not to feel down at that, and i feel like i'm making excuses when i remember that i've been inactive & eating what others make for the better part of 3 weeks (surgery) and had 2 doses of prednisone since November (asthma/colds/etc). . . i know these things were factors, but i also know that i haven't been as strict about tracking as i should be at times, and have had days where i don't get to eat lunch, haven't planned dinner, etc.

I am trying to work on those things that i can change, and hope that the rest will be back to normal soon. I've been using MyFitPal this week. Today, I hiked for over an hour with my son on the uphill path. The part of the main trail we did was just over a mile (according to pedometer) but we did several side trails to see a waterfall and explore. It was good to get out. My goal is to do at least 30 min of activity everyday this week. I'll be OK if I miss a day, but I'm trying.

I also made a delicious veggie soup last night. It was a combination of several recipes so i'm going to summarize it here. cauliflower potato soup: I LOVE my immersion blender - best Christmas gift this year i think!
1T olive oil - heat over Medium heat.
Add Soup Starter Mixture - onion, carrot, celery -- about 1 lb total, thinly chopped (I bought them fresh from Wegman's and then chopped them a bit more in the mini-chopper)
Cover & cook 2-3 minutes
Add cauliflower (i used 1 whole, florets sliced in half), Vegetable broth/stock (i used 28 oz), thyme, and 2-3 yukon gold potatoes (peeled, quartered, and sliced thin) [i combined potatoes and cauliflower in a bowl and tossed with 1T flour to add to thickening before i added them to the soup pot]
Cover, reduce heat, and simmer at least 20 minutes, or until veggies are tender.
Puree with immersion blender. Salt & Pepper to taste.

***Of course, i wouldn't recommend that you leave it on the counter overnight like i did...hope i get to enjoy more of it next time!

challenging times and update

i didn't intend to go so long between posts but things kept getting in the way - mainly falling asleep at night :( i realized that i forgot to take my iron most of this week so hoping that will fix that issue. It is also a reminder that I need to get back to my priorities. I did, however, keep a few notes for posts that were never written, so i will attempt to copy some of them below so i still have a record of the week.

i have been very frustrated with the scale this week. it went down last week and i thought i was back on track, but creeping up again. i'm sure it is my body readjusting to things after 2 weeks of mostly sedentary recovery from surgery. one step forward, 2 steps back. that has been the story of my life & WL efforts and i'm kind of disappointed that this pattern has returned.

a few notes from the past week (Mostly sunday - tuesday):

 No exercise -- frustration. Feel impact even when walking/shopping past week.  Tired
10 min outside walk w son felt good to be moving again 

monday: Cooked dinner 1st time in 2 wks today.  Time crunch & knew it wouldn't be a favorite. W family but did it anyways...brown rice, mashed beans w garlic, topped w cheese (1/4- 1/3 c total ) baked.  W tortilla. would have been better without the tortilla and with some broccoli but better than grabbing pasta, mac & cheese, or 'snack' food while i was out.

Felt good to know I had more control over meal after 2 wks relying on others

Low on veggies today  but feel as if were heading in right direfcrion. 

Skipped DD .  Really Tempted by vending machine steps from office door. But I did not do it.  
Oatmeal w p.b. Mixed in (1 t measured) & raisins.  Snack pack sweethearts (an old v-day tradition but i did not buy a whole bag). Thai - extra veggie.
    

which brings me to today...i'm feeling a bit down this week. i know i could be making better choices in some areas, need to add exercise slowly again (hand will limit me for a while but i can still move my legs & walk!). i'm going to a wedding in a month and want to at least lose what i gained from the 2 courses of prednisone in december and surgery this month. i know it is good to have a goal, but part of me feels like i don't want to set one because i probably won't make it...defeatist i know...it's probably an 80/20 split between thinking that i can work towards it and feeling as if i can't...

these are challenging days but hopefully i'll look back on them and see once again how far i've come. i'm still in a better place than i was a year ago but i feel like it's a constant challenge to find and stay motivated and positive right now (and also that i NEED to find a way through that and remember that i am worth it and slowly i'll get there.

the beginning of the blog

i've been on my journey for a while now so i'm just going to jump in. if i wait until i have a formal intro for anyone who might read this, i'll never start. i've done that before. i've even kept a journal on a parenting site but have been very neglectful of it lately...i keep one on paper for my son - started the month before he was born --and it too is woefully out of date. i've been busy chasing him around and working and spending quality time doing things WITH my family as well as a few for myself too. I allegedly blog for a local parenting site --often think of things to write but always when i am not in a position to actually write them.

Does anyone notice a pattern here?

i'm adding this blog to my quest to focus on me this year, which is building on my quest last year...when i think about it, my journey to lose weight is mine alone and i need to be OK carving out time for it...even if others think it is a "waste." i am not, and i need to remind myself that i deserve and need better on this journey.

THE TITLE
it came to me before i fully committed to writing and without much thought but it can have so many meanings...i'm sure anyone who has lost weight (or tried to) has had well-meaning friends or relatives tell them they "CAN'T" have something but i don't agree. and, yes, i DID eat a brownie last night but:

... i am STILL working toward my goals
...i knew it was not the most healthful choice
...i am responsible for my own choices and i made this one
...and i do not hate myself for it
...i do not feel like the world is over, but that tomorrow is another day
...l am still here
...and i am still living a healthier life than even a few months ago

i am in the midst of a healthy life journey...and i still ate the brownie. the two are not mutually exclusive.