this has been a hard fall. our house - including me - has been sick in one way or another for about 6 weeks. it has meant little exercise and little appetite - which meant i was pretty much eating the BRAT diet or crap when i did feel like eating. antibiotics landed me in urgent care with dehydration 2 weeks ago and just as i was coming out of that the holidays hit...now i think i have a head cold (again) but hopeful that is all and i may be able to start the new year moving in the right direction again. until about 2.5 weeks ago i was still checking the scale every week or so, but now not so much. i was about 5 lb in the wrong direction, which was frustrating but not insurmountable...
then i went to the doctor last week and saw a number i never thought i'd see again. now i'm just angry and disappointed in myself. frustrated in myself. annoyed that i have cough-variant (and maybe at times exercise induced) asthma so exercising when sick is not often a wise thing...but something has to change in a BIG way. This is NOT OK. i guess that's the first start...
a couple of months ago, my husband & I were driving around the mountain near us and i wished i'd had time to stop and take a short hike up from the base. I know i wouldn't get too far - it's a tall mountain and i don't have the right equipment (even good hiking boots) but i have discovered in recent years that i enjoy being in nature. i am calm and peaceful with the leaves and an open trail in front of me, wondering what i might find around the next corner. I don't love the mosquitos (they love me!) and ticks, nut when i don't have to share with them, i love the discovery that lies ahead of me. My son also seems to like exploring outdoors too. He often runs ahead of me. I would love to start hiking with him more regularly (anyone want to help us learn/explore?). So, in that moment, driving through and around the mountains, i decided that i would climb it by the time i'm 40. That's just over 2 years away. i could not do it today but hope that i can work up to it, build my endurance and confidence on my feet; and feel like i can be nimble enough to do it rather than uncomfortable and clumsy in my own skin.
i am working at panera today on a project for certification in my field and choose the veggie soup with clear broth rather than the yummy broccoli cheese or baked potato that i love. it's good and i'm not sure i really wanted something creamy today but on another day it might be more difficult. it was a very very very way-too-small step in the right direction so i'll hang on to that.
i miss the group i used to go to (if anyone is reading - i no longer get updates from the program?! and haven't been able to attend since the meeting was moved to evening at UMass) :( i wish there were another way to keep up with that source of encouragement or a weekend group. it is just helpful to feel like you can connect with others who understand the struggle - especially when it feels like a struggle.
there is a new fitness center that opened 5-10 min from my work so i'm thinking about joining there. when i told my husband i added that to my christmas idea list, he said "why? you won't go anyways." i can't change his opinion but can choose to not let it affect my actions. i just need to figure out how i can get there - i haven't found time to visit since things have been crazy with being sick, holidays, etc...but i am not happy with where things are so i need to change. i need to find a trainer to help me stay accountable - not necessarily to work out everyday but to check in, give me some ideas when i am low on energy or time, and help me stay focused on the goal...problem is that costs $, of which i have little...just having someone to check in on my activity might help me stay more accountable. i should be able to be accountable to myself but obviously that is too easy to avoid/ignore.
sorry for such a negative post (if i have any readers) but i said i'd keep it all here and this is where i am today. i hope bing honest about the struggle will help me in the long run. there was a time not too long ago where i may not have recognized or been bothered by where i am.
i'm going to be selfish for a minute -- if you are reading, and you don't see a post at least weekly, can you email me about it? hoping that will help me remember to keep this in the forefront of my busy life instead of the background. Thanks to my readers for your help!
