never updated on my trip to jillian michaels in may. I'm not a jillian fan really, but i do have to say that she is an amazing and motivational speaker and that can never hurt. didn't learn anything groundbreaking (& didn't expect to) but kind of like reading a really good book of guided meditations, and questions to find your direction or remember why you are doing something. It was a good night. i also learned that she has a podcast that is actually not at all like her TV persona - very interesting.
lots of enlightening reminders lately -
grandmother found out she has an illness that - while treatable - is not cureable. we're hoping for the best on this part of her journey - and i knew this time would come eventually. it could be overnight. it could be years of fighting or treatment will work and she will have a few extra years of living. She is my last living grandparent, and the one i am closest to --her presence and wisdom got me through my teen years and many life lessons in between. i am going to be optimistic, but also realiistic. this one will probably be harder than any other loss in my life (other than my son). Ugh. So - if you are a praying person -- in whatever religion or spiritual practices you observe -- i'd appreciate if you can keep her in your thoughts.
I want to be there for my son. he will need us to navigate the world and teach him how to do so more than his typical peers. it is not always easy, sometimes heart-breaking to see him at his most upset and he needs his mom to help him through.
he wants to do so many things and i can not do them in my current state. i can not take him on the tree canopy at a local science center (because i weigh too much). Swinging bridges 3 stories high are not my favorite thing, but i want to be able to share those things with him. There was a time --many years ago-- when i could do the ropes courses--and even helped guide others but now i have to explain to my son why i can not. he is missing an opportunity because neither of his parents can share certain activities with him. He came back from camp talking about how much he loved canoeing. Another of my not-favorite-things but one he should not have to miss out on because i can barely fit in the boat and would be uncomfortable at best.
We were at camp a couple of weeks ago where there was a family night event with a haunted house. The exit was through a window of the house. I tried but there was no way this body was going to fit through that window even with careful planning. he had to wait for me to come down the stairs. there were a few others who did that but not for the same reasons i did. i don't want a lifetime of that. i want to be able to be part of his fun and the sometimes crazy things he would love to see his mom do.
i have said many times that i am doing this in part for other people - i want to see him graduate and not be worried about us. i want to be a good example. i want to show him that healthy and active can be family activities. However, i can not do this for other people. i have to do this for myself. I have said that many times too.
i know i have a lot of things to work through but hope i can remember the strength i felt when i did 10 minutes of zumba (thank you YouTube) or walked a mile on a winter snow hike last winter or saw the top of a new hill for the first time. i know it is there but i doubt myself. while i am generally at peace with the past, with taking charge of my own life & priorities even if they are not always in sync with others around me, i am still struggling to let go of someething. there is still that question of doubt, i think that child waiting for permission of some sort - which sounds so strange to write when i am nearing 40. i have "worked on it" for a long time but i can not get past something. i once wrote & now think that i need to give myself permission to love myself. that sounds simple, and i have done that to some degree, but i think in reality, i have convinced myself that i have done it just enough to fell OK about it but not enough to reach my heart and truly believe. I need to love myself - and all my flaws, my past, my "bad" days in the kitchen, etc. enough to put my health first, to find the motivation i need. i need to figure out what is holding me back from that - what is it i'm afraid of admitting or accepting in the process. i need to figure it out -- my life depends on it.
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