Motivation & Finding my Key?

Invitation to go hiking w marathoner=instant motivation!

This is a good thing & i warned her that i am a v e r y. S l o w hiker- thought i enjoy it - but I have a lot of work to do! I'm really just a beginner. But excited that one of n's friends who loves being outdoors as much as he does can explore together. I'm kind of excited to have someone experienced to show me the trails. But very worried that the 6 yr olds can out run me!

Time to refocus on the walking routine that slipped while we were sick the past 6 weeks or so (when I get a cold, my asthma means that it takes a long time to get over it)...a few family walks have happened but definitely out of the habit--and missing it-- and the scale is showing it. I'm starting over again, it seems. I'm so ready for summer veggies & fruit!

Did I also mention in here that I - unfortunately - officially have pre-diabetes on my record? Trying to make sure I get more veggies in and glad to get back to more activity so I can reverse that. It runs in my family, so not a surprise, but not what I want to see before my 40th bday.
Cough variant asthma. (Possibly exercise induced at times as well). Fibromyalgia (under control most of the time). Allergies. Carpal tunnel. Bunion & orthotics (feet). Vericose veins. Edema (cause unknown).
So frustrating to be unhealthy and not find the key to keeping on top of exercise and nutrition at the same time.

So...(deep breath...) I know it has to be something internally holding me back. And though I have a wealth of things I've been working on & through for years, I think my heart does know...but doesn't know the solution...ugh. I am a survivor. When I was 12-- not coincidentally I'm sure, when I was my healthiest -- until 16, I was a victim of sexual abuse. It was a corner of my world that no one else saw and I carefully compartmentalized from the rest of my life at the time and since. I talk about it selectively (& worked through worked through w various professionals) but I think somewhere in the process, I lost the connection with my own body in a way., and the feeling that I deserve to be and feel happy. I have known this, but there was disconnection with the belief that it was true.

I don't know what led me to write it here today, but perhaps it is a sign of progress and finding the key for me...and perhaps reading will help someone else searching for theirs.