It's been a while - not for lack of thought, but distractions -- and there have been many...
I am not Catholic, and do not "give up" for Lent, but try to take time to be more reflective or give time to others during this time. So, this year - as part of a challenge in a Facebook group (of inspiring people sharing this lifetime journey), I decided that trying to find the time that i deserve for myself was important. I reflect in writing, so I decided I would commit to blogging here every day of Lent. . .that was a week ago, so clearly not quite happening according to plan.
But, i am here now and will hope I find a way to get here in the remaining 35 or so days. It may be short some days, but i'm hoping useful to look back on.
I've been working and thinking a lot about the root causes of my struggle with weight. it's been there since i was about 13 or 14, though it never really bothered me as much as it did those around me. In the past few weeks, i have realized that at some point, it became about control. I'm still trying to put all of those pieces together, but it made sense at least when i was younger. That's another post entirely, and one that has taken more than 20 years to recognize but definitely part of things. I'm very analytical, so i always want to ask 'why' and do my best to find out. It is not easy to just let things be -- though I am very open-minded and accepting of others, apparently that does not always carry over to myself, and I always ask "why" because i want to understand, to be prepared for the next time, or prevent the same situation entirely. Sometimes, i think i spend so much energy trying to figure out the 'why' rather than finding a way to simply accept and move ahead.
Today, we started discussing hunger and triggers for it, etc. I made poor choices when i was stressed, nervous/anxious about the rest of the day, and driving. I recognized that I could be making better choices today, yet -- i ate the poor choices anyway. I ate several munchkins (fail #1). Felt crappy afterwards because i haven't had that for at least 6 mos. Took a deep breathe, dove into my work for the afternoon, and thought that would be it (especially since i recognized it). . .but i did it again later in the day - driving home i wanted to steal a few minutes of quiet and calm. Yoga breathing would have sufficed but not today -- when i went into cvs to get a single item and ended up with 3, including chocolate. and....
i ate it. Disappointed and frustrated by myself since i *knew* when i was there that i should not get it. At the same time, I did so voluntarily -- and had zero willpower when i needed it. I know i am finding comfort in food; finding something to do instead of simply driving around for hours as i seek that quiet few minutes of time. Feeling like i'm heading in two directions at once, and my solution is to freeze and hope that someone else can make the choice. I deserve better though, and this is my struggle. I wonder if i'm happy at my core, and what i will need to change in order to move beyond that. it just seemed so crystal clear to me today - though the solution did not.
tomorrow is a new day. Thanks for reading (if you are) - please leave a comment to let me know what you think!
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