Progress!

Since jan 7 (19 days): 8 trips to the gym, 11 workouts, 5 pounds gone.

Progress!

Scale or no scale...

I have a dilemma. I think I need to ignore the scale for a while. I know this is part of how I got back to where I am but today when I saw the number - even though it went down- it did not feel good. It took the happy I've been feeling and squashed it just a bit. I know that doesn't really make sense but I think maybe it is because it was another reminder of how much further I need to go and how crappy it feels to know I am losing this particular 25-30 pounds again.

I've been feeling good. I haven't been sending my food logs but I am eating better and writing it down. I'm not getting too upset if things aren't "perfect" - I'm ok if I'm refocusing in one area and only working through some of the rest for now. I'm content and happy.

I've gone to the gym 4 times this week and worked out 3 of them. I went when I didn't have time to stay very long; when it was raining and foggy and a perfect day to go home instead after work; when i had to drive across town on a sunday afternoon; when I was tired; when others questioned and asked me to come home. All easy excuses-- but I went anyway, and even texted my husband that it was fun! Yep-- Me. Exercise. Fun!
I feel invigorated. Happy. Loving this.

It's What I DO now

Heading to planet fitness I don't have much time today but even if I work out 25 minutes instead of 30 it's worth it. then the rush across town to get my son off the bus and run around all afternoon. It will be a rush but if not here, I'd be rushing somewhere else. I could go to target instead but I decided that it's finally time to put me first. strangely it feels like this is something I just do now doesn't feel like a chore. Yesterday i hit traffic & didnt get here in time to work out...but i went inside and got a tour/orientation. I decided that if i needed to go in to establish the routine. just feels like what.i.do.

Small Steps

Quick post - because I'm trying to stay accountable rather than 'say everything' that I'm thinking.

Today was a good day. Beautiful sunshine and dry pavement- after I saw the bus off, I walked to the end of my street, then back past our house and to the other end. It wasn't very long but it was a step in the right direction and reminded me of how much I love the solitude of a calm and quiet walk with nature. I need to find a way to get hiking/walking boots- I thought I had a good pair this summer but my podiatrist vetoed them. LOL. To say I have tricky feet is an understatement. I will probably need to get a men's pair to fit my feet and pay $$$ but one thing at a time I guess. They have to be comfortable without costing a fortune.

In any case-- I enjoyed the walk on a mild winter day. Came home, ate breakfast and instead of turning on the TV I turned on the WII. According to the game, I 'biked' nearly 2 miles then did a few other activities. It's a start...

on my way home, I stopped at the gym a-- and joined. I'm hoping to get back tomorrow for the full tour and maybe a walk.

Dinner didn't really happen since I fed mt son and got him to bed- then promptly fell asleep! I need to get back to freezer cooking or make ahead meals (suggestions always welcome)

In case I forget, i need to write about the coffee comparison

Thank you all for reading, taking time to comment here & elsewhere. I appreciate it!

Happy New Year

The scale was ugly- I won't lie. I'm not usually one to share this publicly but wish I could create a big flashing reminder on my phone, fridge, & wallet at all times and this is the closest I can come.

287...yes--that's a 2-8 :( I am amazed at how quickly the 'hovering within 5 pounds' turned into this again. I was sick and getting on the scale was not a priority. I was lazy- I let some of my good habits go. I stopped exercising. even when sick, I would catch up on tv completely sedentary rather than moving my body. I used to walk in place or do stretches, yoga, toning --at least during the commercials and often the nightly news. I bought ingredients to make sweets for the holidays--and when I ran out of time to make an extra batch, we ate the ingredients instead. A handful of chocolate chips here; a late night of peanut butter and fluff on a spoon...I do not feel guilty but really wish I'd just taken the 30 seconds to get on the scale and see the impact.

I lost all accountability to myself and that is why I am practically right back where I started. Except I am still generally healthier and don't eat any piece of random chocolate or salty snack put in front if me. I threw away half a bag of chocolate squares because they really were not what I enjoy. I have invested in the tools to help me succeed--and I shudder to think where I might be right now if I did not.

I said about a week ago that I would be realistic about holidays but would then recommit to myself. I signed in to myfitnesspal; started wearing my fitbit religiously again (but need to set up synching with a different computer since mine died-- wish they had wireless synching!). I am planning on getting back in touch with my program at UMass--even if i can't attend monthly meetings, I CAN send my food logs for a while to keep myself accountable.

I know this is a journey so I do not feel as if I've "failed" --because I caught myself. I have made the journey more difficult for myself for a while, taken a long detour from the intended path, but I am still on the road. It is my life and my future and I am committed to being here to fully embrace every moment of it.

a number i never thought i'd see again

this has been a hard fall. our house - including me - has been sick in one way or another for about 6 weeks. it has meant little exercise and little appetite - which meant i was pretty much eating the BRAT diet or crap when i did feel like eating. antibiotics landed me in urgent care with dehydration 2 weeks ago and just as i was coming out of that the holidays hit...now i think i have a head cold (again) but hopeful that is all and i may be able to start the new year moving in the right direction again. until about 2.5 weeks ago i was still checking the scale every week or so, but now not so much. i was about 5 lb in the wrong direction, which was frustrating but not insurmountable...
then i went to the doctor last week and saw a number i never thought i'd see again. now i'm just angry and disappointed in myself. frustrated in myself. annoyed that i have cough-variant (and maybe at times exercise induced) asthma so exercising when sick is not often a wise thing...but something has to change in a BIG way. This is NOT OK. i guess that's the first start...

a couple of months ago, my husband & I were driving around the mountain near us and i wished i'd had time to stop and take a short hike up from the base. I know i wouldn't get too far - it's a tall mountain and i don't have the right equipment (even good hiking boots) but i have discovered in recent years that i enjoy being in nature. i am calm and peaceful with the leaves and an open trail in front of me, wondering what i might find around the next corner. I don't love the mosquitos (they love me!) and ticks, nut when i don't have to share with them, i love the discovery that lies ahead of me. My son also seems to like exploring outdoors too. He often runs ahead of me. I would love to start hiking with him more regularly (anyone want to help us learn/explore?). So, in that moment, driving through and around the mountains, i decided that i would climb it by the time i'm 40. That's just over 2 years away. i could not do it today but hope that i can work up to it, build my endurance and confidence on my feet; and feel like i can be nimble enough to do it rather than uncomfortable and clumsy in my own skin.

i am working at panera today on a project for certification in my field and choose the veggie soup with clear broth rather than the yummy broccoli cheese or baked potato that i love. it's good and i'm not sure i really wanted something creamy today but on another day it might be more difficult. it was a very very very way-too-small step in the right direction so i'll hang on to that.

i miss the group i used to go to (if anyone is reading - i no longer get updates from the program?! and haven't been able to attend since the meeting was moved to evening at UMass) :( i wish there were another way to keep up with that source of encouragement or a weekend group. it is just helpful to feel like you can connect with others who understand the struggle - especially when it feels like a struggle.

there is a new fitness center that opened 5-10 min from my work so i'm thinking about joining there. when i told my husband i added that to my christmas idea list, he said "why? you won't go anyways." i can't change his opinion but can choose to not let it affect my actions. i just need to figure out how i can get there - i haven't found time to visit since things have been crazy with being sick, holidays, etc...but i am not happy with where things are so i need to change. i need to find a trainer to help me stay accountable - not necessarily to work out everyday but to check in, give me some ideas when i am low on energy or time, and help me stay focused on the goal...problem is that costs $, of which i have little...just having someone to check in on my activity might help me stay more accountable. i should be able to be accountable to myself but obviously that is too easy to avoid/ignore.

sorry for such a negative post (if i have any readers) but i said i'd keep it all here and this is where i am today. i hope bing honest about the struggle will help me in the long run. there was a time not too long ago where i may not have recognized or been bothered by where i am.

i'm going to be selfish for a minute -- if you are reading, and you don't see a post at least weekly, can you email me about it? hoping that will help me remember to keep this in the forefront of my busy life instead of the background. Thanks to my readers for your help!

Vacation is over

I actually feel like I've lost weight during my vacation but the scale showed +3 this morning. I can only imagine what could have been had i not done so much walking.

I enjoyed my vacation. I had ice cream several times-but also choose Lo-fat frozen yogurt with fruit once instead. I had a veggie sandwich on whole wheat English muffin for 'brunch' one morning instead of donuts or fried dough snacks.
But I also ate the potato chips with dinner -probably more than I've had in an entire year because we don't buy them at home- and several hot dogs which I don't love nut there's something about vacation.

I only bought 2 pieces of chocolate despite being surrounded by fudge and candy shops. I was kind of surprised that I didn't crave it more, but not entirely. It is an example of how my mind & body have changed. I truly didn't even want it.

I'm hoping some of The weight is from the sodium in vacation food but that is not an excuse.

I am glad that I did not go completely off track on vacation and found ways to pay attention to what I needed. The last night, they were bringing ice cream back to the house and I was planning a walk. I still took the walk - though I did get the ice cream on my own, i was walking 1+ hours first.

Unpacking today but after I get the laundry in, I plan to go for a walk. The iPod is ready. My son is at grandma's so it would be easy to sit and catch up on tv but I will take time for me in a new way.

THIS is vacation?!- a new perspective

Vacation- ironically this may be the milestone of change in this journey. I looked up a mountain nearby for a short hike --have been coming here for years and had no idea it existed. I never knew because I was content to stay in,not explore,& stick to the usual activity that everyone else was doing (antiquing, reading, driving. I haven't been there yet but I plan to go-we'll probably drive to the summit and then my son & I will do a short trail. We're pretty inexperienced at this but he loves hiking and I''m trying to make it something we can do together. I need a buddy though LOL!

Some people in my family think I'm strange & I am spending a bit more time away from them at times but I decided it's ok to do another 2 laps of the beach even if they want to go back to the house - ok to make me and my healthy interests a priority. It is difficult to be the change agent in a family but I have to do it for me. I have to give my son a good example too-healthy active parents are important no matter what the size & vacation can be just as fun exploring as sitting or building sandcastles.

I've never gone on vacation and looked for ways to get out & up! Just discovered snails eating on rocks in a tidepool that always seemed "too far" to walk.
I've done almost 5000 steps and it's only 9:30 a.m. I need vacation every week!

It's not an overnight huge change on the scale, but I think oneday I will look back and see this as a huge milestone on the journey. It's a cosmic shift in how I do vacation & I think a reminder that even though it's a long road and the scale nay be slow to budge, I have days that are awful eating days & way out of balance, my mindset has changed. I didn't feel like I "had to" walk like a chore but it was just something I did.

...and it feels amazing!

UPDATE: 8:45 pm- 11245 steps! 4.62 miles! 20 flights of stairs equivalent!

Strengthening the Core

just a quick note to remind myself (& any readers?) what to write about next.  I have been working my way back to things.  it is easy to get discouraged by not seeing the scale budge (or V-E-R-Y slowly) although it's not going up either, which is an improvement. . .So, exercise has  been lacking lately - did i mention that it's been 90+ degrees for at least a week here?! 
So, the main topic of today is that in order to work on/"fix" the outside, you must first seriously and thoughtfully, work on the INSIDE.  It's kind of like the airline rule that you must "first help yourself" before helping others.  In this case, Mind + Body *ARE* the "others."  I have learned a few things and also been forced to re-examine a few things from my past that i'd rather not. However, as i do that, my view is clarified and i realize that each new discovery is a step to strengthening the inside - the emotional inner child who is in hiding most of the time, but very much a presence in my life.  It is not easy work, but i cna see very small changes in the way i view the world and myself in it.  I feel like i'm making progress...

and on that note - for next time - is my favorite new & amazing tool ~ the FitBit!

An Uphill Battle...Memorial Day Alert FAIL

SO...i was at a memorial day cookout today. available food included:
pasta salad (did have a few peas, but not even really a good flavor -- i shared mine w/ my husband after 1 bite)
bbq turkey keilbasa
plain turkey keilbasa
hot dog/white bun
cheeseburger/white bun (store-bought, pre-made patties from the meat case of supermarket)
carrot cake w/ raisins & homemade cream chesse frosting
pita chips (Stacey's), potato chips (Cape Cod), crackers
Whipped cream cheese/chive
onion sour cream dip
& another onion dip that was similar to the dip that comes with Bloomin' Onion at Outback

um...yeah...so i ate way too much. Haven't had that much crap food for a loooong time (so maybe i'm making more progress than the scale shows).  I had pita chips but probably 2 portions by the time i was through & a LOT of the spicy onion dip that happened to end up on the table next to me outside. also potato chips (but stopped after about 10 because they just didn't taste as good to me as i remembered. i was feeling yucky from carb/processed food overload), 1 piece (1/4 of a link) bbq keilbasa, 1/2 cheeseburger (with yellow american cheese - probably not from the deli case...can you say processed!).
And, even though i don't love carrot cake, i had a piece...and then another small piece while sitting in the kitchen talking. It was so moist & the frosting was...wow...but as soon as i ate it, i felt the sugar bleh setting in.

Clearly my body & now my mind did not like what i was eating today. not a single fruit or veggie. there were lettuce leaves for the burgers on the table, but not what i wanted at the time. I thought maybe we'd have the traditional strawberry shortcake for dessert - fresh berries maybe...but not this year. i know those are loaded with sugar, etc. when we do have them but still...no berries. no watermelon. no veggies with dinner.
All of this in a family where 3 of us are actively trying to lose weight (or should be), 1 diabetic, 1 with all sorts of health issues, 1 who had a heart attack this spring, 1 who tries to avoid bread/eat "well," and 3 kids under the age of 5.

It is an uphill battle when THIS is the food scene that greets us at a family gathering.