Reboot & reset

New year, new goals...I realized I often have little things to post - to analyze and reflect but also to keep me more accountable to myself.  I write for me and if others happen to read it, they happen to read it...but it is for me first, so here I am again. I don't know why I stopped writing in the first place but suspect it had to do with a computer crash and changing phones, and then I simply forgot...

so, I'm back. 

I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions but I do think the depths of winter we've had the past few weeks have provided an opportunity to get some things straight and refocus. Also, I am not obsessed with the numbers on a scale, except as one data point to let me know where things are in any given point in time.  A couple of months ago, I saw numbers that were the low end of a ceiling (or in this case, basement I suppose) with which I have been struggling for years.  I was quite pleased and surprised...it lasted about 2 weeks and then the endless weeks of sickness in our house hit and I neither stepped on the scale or ate/slept regularly for weeks.  I had what I thought was a cold that turned into a wicked asthma attack (I usually have cough-variant asthma, which impacts me when I exert too quickly like going up a flight of stairs or when I have a bad cold; I'd never had the type of ongoing, severe issue that this became so I didn't recognize it) and bronchitis.  I was shocked actually...but it began breathing treatments, 2 courses of prednisone, a sinus infection, a lot of rest, and many nights sleeping in a recliner or other semi-upright position.  I was just feeling like I was coming out of it - finally - when our house got hit with a GI bug going around. My son had a stomach version; i had a different variation.  Luckily fast-moving but it took another week to feel like myself and have a decent appetite for real food again.  I lost 2 pound which was great though not ideal...I still had something nagging though and at a follow-up last week, I apparently had another sinus infection, which means more antibiotics and probiotics. I think it was low-grade compared to some, and while not gone yet, it has been nice to not have migraine-like sinus headaches like I did for 3 days straight last week. 

So this Friday (actually Saturday) morning I got on the scale - not entirely surprised but not thrilled either. It could be worse; and is better than a week ago...but I am once again in that 'limbo' range. I get down to about 268 and then hang out in limbo from 268-272 or so for months...and that is where I once again find myself.  Far from my point of optimism a couple of months ago.  Still better than where I started but not good. Today, I only got tea while waiting for my son, instead of a snack; I'm not really hungry for a cookie either but I have to do better. I've been snacking more than usual lately& a bit of emotional stress eating (I had something I was really looking forward to that didn't work out and the general state of our country is depressing and physically stressful to me). Of course the the sweet carbs are calling my name that then just evaporate and leave me wanting more sweet carbs. 

So what am I doing about it? Paying more attention. Resetting. Posting again to stay accountable. I was on the treadmill a could of times last week (one when I was very stressed -- so instead of eating, I got on the treadmill for some cardio). Remembering the good choices as it is a balance and all part of the whole thing of living.  But the past could of days, my back has been sore -- so I haven't done the treadmill. It is a reminder that I also need to get to the pool. I was doing equal PT for my back but was discharged to a maintenance plan with 6 weeks membership to the pool to do the exercises on my own. But then I got sick again, then it was cold, and my foot hurt...and we got sick again...but i just need to DO it.  My plan is to alternate treadmill days with pool days and hope my body will get used to it and not tighten up again. I need to get to my massage therapist again too - once a month keeps many parts of me loose but I rarely stick to that schedule.  SO...

*massage! every 4-6 weeks (I'll be happy if I can stick to every 8 weeks right now)

*activate pool plan

*alternate treadmill (walking) with pool (for lower back)

*meditate daily (I am usually good at this but since I was sick, I slacked a bit, using it for pain relief more than mental clarity and balance)

*focus on sleep! (which will be hard with the Olympics coming because I'm kind of obsessed...but it is worth attempting)

*Do not buy the cookies, treats, etc. no matter how small -- more than once a week (because I am realistic and believe in everything in moderation)

Not sure if anyone is reading along but if you are, I'd love to know...

next post - the emotional tightrope of the #metoo and gymnastics trial in the news lately as for me it is just under the surface.

One of the Best Decisions of My Life...

I was going to call this "The Best Decision I Ever Made..." but I think my husband might object to that ;) Also, there are few absolutes in life, so this has become ONE of the best...
It doesn't have a lot to do directly with weight loss, but health and wholeness and being in touch with the things that make you tick....and it changed my life.

A few years ago, I decided to sign up for a yoga class. I'd always wanted to try it but wasn't sure how my body with fibromyalgia and carpal tunnel and inflexibility would hold up. But I finally did - and in the years since, have noticed a real change in so many things.  I never imagined that an hour a week could make such a difference.  I had to stop going to classes when I had a surgery on my wrist about 2 years ago; then my work schedule changed, my family life got busier, and the class no longer fit my schedule.  I have missed it, but have realized the importance of taking that time in my day to just "be" and be still and listen.  I have become more aware of the energy in the universe and how to work with it not against it. I have met inspiring people (thanks, Anne!) who understand the same things - and continue to share their own journey and inspirations to help the rest of us on the journey. Although I have not taken a class in 2 years, I can still "hear" the guided wisdom of my former instructor everyday.  -- thanks to the internet and Facebook.

My day is not complete without the 10 minutes of quiet breathing and meditation before I get up. Occasionally, I oversleep and must jump out of bed without this time for some reason - but I never really feel 'settled' into the day. If it's a particularly good day, I can spend some time to do a couple of poses -the tree pose is a favorite (I think because my son learned it in preschool and we used to do it together -- standing up and lying down).  I ground myself as i prepare for the day. On a recent  stressful day, I also found myself stopping in the middle of the day to meditate and give myself permission to tune in to the positive energies around me rather than getting sucked into the negative. The 5-10 minutes stopped an afternoon of feeling anxious in its tracks. It was not the first time, but in that moment, I realized how substantially walking into that class 3 years ago changed not just my physical issues at the time, but my entire perspective and ability to connect with the world around me...with myself...to listen...to learn...to feel. I don't think some of the other work I've been doing recently would be possible without that new awareness of feeling and learning to be OK with the energy around me. to move through it instead of trying to jump over it or run away from it.

It is not something that happened overnight, or something i will ever say is "done," but the awareness is a very big tool in the journey I am on. And I am fortunate that I have met some amazing people  who have been doing this much longer than I have and share their wisdom along the way. ironically, I have discovered that it takes a village to find your own truth. Learning to recognize and be at peace with that, with myself and my past, and how I got to be here in my life is so important in learning to live through and in the future i am trying to move towards. My change is happening from the inside out and I'm learning to embrace that every day.

So..this is turning into the "once-a-week-everyday" blog.  Lol
There is so much going on right now and just not enough time to sit down and give it justice.  This is the problem, I suppose, with the state of trying always to figure things out.
I keep coming back to going with the flow, letting things happen as part of growth and life, and not trying to fight against them, the idea that life is a journey and not a race.
I think the change of seasons - even if only on the calendar- gives me renewed energy and realizations. Things become more clear, my mood changes, and things seem to fall into place. I wish I could put this feeling in a bottle for the rest of the year.
It's the season of renewal, and giving myself time and permission to renew my spirit is a big part of that.  I may not be writing everyday, but I am trying to do it in other ways.  A particular musician who I love is performing nearby this weekend-- I put off buying tickets, but finally just decided that I was going to do it, that I deserve the time for me.  Luckily, they had literally 3 left! I'm going alone, but I'm committed to enjoying that space. I sometimes forget that time with and for myself is at least as essential as the time I spend on others. When I was younger, I played the violin-- and it fed my soul. Of course, I couldn't explain or understand that at the time, but when I was feeling sad or confused or uncertain, out came the violin and suddenly my world was calm again; and I'm looking forward to being in that moment at the concert.
It could be food I eat, or so many more components of my life.., but I am learning to let go, to believe that I deserve to be happy, and that I matter. To know that, and to truly believe that and live within that belief are two very different things-- which I have realized is essential to changing my path in life. I am a child of the universe...and I deserve to be happy...
Thank you all for sharing this crazy journey with me.  There are people and visions and opportunities that influence you at just the right time...and that is what makes this more sustainable in the long run.

You are a child of the Universe..."

no time for a long post yet-but over the past couple of days, I've been thinking a lot. Letting go.  Moving forward. Feeling calmer after a few challenging days. For some reason, this poem has been stuck in my head. I haven't read it in years but the words were clear in my memory -especially the last part "you are a child of the universe..." has stuck with me. So, I am posting to remind myself of that.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

“

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".

A new day -- A new Journey

It's been a while - not for lack of thought, but distractions -- and there have been many...

I am not Catholic, and do not "give up" for Lent, but try to take time to be more reflective or give time to others during this time. So, this year - as part of a challenge in a Facebook group (of inspiring people sharing this lifetime journey), I decided that trying to find the time that i deserve for myself was important. I reflect in writing, so I decided I would commit to blogging here every day of Lent. . .that was a week ago, so clearly not quite happening according to plan.

But, i am here now and will hope I find a way to get here in the remaining 35 or so days. It may be short some days, but i'm hoping useful to look back on.

I've been working and thinking a lot about the root causes of my struggle with weight. it's been there since i was about 13 or 14, though it never really bothered me as much as it did those around me. In the past few weeks, i have realized that at some point, it became about control. I'm still trying to put all of those pieces together, but it made sense at least when i was younger. That's another post entirely, and one that has taken more than 20 years to recognize but definitely part of things. I'm very analytical, so i always want to ask 'why' and do my best to find out. It is not easy to just let things be -- though I am very open-minded and accepting of others, apparently that does not always carry over to myself, and I always ask "why" because i want to understand, to be prepared for the next time, or prevent the same situation entirely. Sometimes, i think i spend so much energy trying to figure out the 'why' rather than finding a way to simply accept and move ahead.

Today, we started discussing hunger and triggers for it, etc. I made poor choices when i was stressed, nervous/anxious about the rest of the day, and driving.  I recognized that I could be making better choices today, yet -- i ate the poor choices anyway. I ate several munchkins (fail #1). Felt crappy afterwards because i haven't had that for at least 6 mos. Took a deep breathe, dove into my work for the afternoon, and thought that would be it (especially since i recognized it). . .but i did it again later in the day - driving home i wanted to steal a few minutes of quiet and calm.  Yoga breathing would have sufficed but not today -- when i went into cvs to get a single item and ended up with 3, including chocolate. and....

i ate it. Disappointed and frustrated by myself since i *knew* when i was there that i should not get it. At the same time, I did so voluntarily -- and had zero willpower when i needed it. I know i am finding comfort in food; finding something to do instead of simply driving around for hours as i seek that quiet few minutes of time. Feeling like i'm heading in two directions at once, and my solution is to freeze and hope that someone else can make the choice. I deserve better though, and this is my struggle.  I wonder if i'm happy at my core, and what i will need to change in order to move beyond that. it just seemed so crystal clear to me today - though the solution did not.

tomorrow is a new day. Thanks for reading (if you are) - please leave a comment to let me know what you think!

random + true acceptance

lots of random things going through my head lately & not enough time to write about them - so i'm just   getting them down here -- may come back to this to write more detail later. posting without edits but will come back to fix them later (so lots of typos today!)

never updated on my trip to jillian michaels in may. I'm not a jillian fan really, but i do have to say that she is an amazing and motivational speaker and that can never hurt. didn't learn anything groundbreaking (& didn't expect to) but kind of like reading a really good book of guided meditations, and questions to find your direction or remember why you are doing something. It was a good night. i also learned that she has a podcast that is actually not at all like her TV persona - very interesting.

lots of enlightening reminders lately - 

grandmother found out she has an illness that - while treatable - is not cureable. we're hoping for the best on this part of her journey - and i knew this time would come eventually. it could be overnight. it could be years of fighting or treatment will work and she will have a few extra years of living. She is my last living grandparent, and the one i am closest to --her presence and wisdom got me through my teen years and many life lessons in between. i am going to be optimistic, but also realiistic. this one will probably be harder than any other loss in my life (other than my son).  Ugh. So - if you are a praying person -- in whatever religion or spiritual practices you observe -- i'd appreciate if you can keep her in your thoughts. 

I want to be there for my son. he will need us to navigate the world and teach him how to do so more than his typical peers. it is not always easy, sometimes heart-breaking to see him at his most upset and he needs his mom to help him through. 

he wants to do so many things and i can not do them in my current state. i can not take him on the tree canopy at a local science center (because i weigh too much). Swinging bridges 3 stories high are not my favorite thing, but i want to be able to share those things with him. There was a time --many years ago-- when i could do the ropes courses--and even helped guide others but now i have to explain to my son why i can not.  he is missing an opportunity because neither of his parents can share certain activities with him. He came back from camp talking about how much he loved canoeing. Another of my not-favorite-things but one he should not have to miss out on because i can barely fit in the boat and would be uncomfortable at best.  

We were at camp a couple of weeks ago where there was a family night event with a haunted house. The exit was through a window of the house. I tried but there was no way this body was going to fit through that window even with careful planning.  he had to wait for me to come down the stairs.  there were a few others who did that but not for the same reasons i did.  i don't want a lifetime of that. i want to be able to be part of his fun and the sometimes crazy things he would love to see his mom do. 

i have said many times that i am doing this in part for other people - i want to see him graduate and not be worried about us. i want to be a good example. i want to show him that healthy and active can be family activities. However, i can not do this for other people. i have to do this for myself. I have said that many times too.

i know i have a lot of things to work through but hope i can remember the strength i felt when i did 10 minutes of zumba (thank you YouTube) or walked a mile on a winter snow hike last winter or saw the top of a new hill for the first time. i know it is there but i doubt myself. while i am generally at peace with the past, with taking charge of my own life & priorities even if they are not always in sync with others around me, i am still struggling to let go of someething. there is still that question of doubt, i think that child waiting for permission of some sort - which sounds so strange to write when i am nearing 40.  i have "worked on it" for a long time but i can not get past something. i once wrote & now think that i need to give myself permission to love myself. that sounds simple, and i have done that to some degree, but i think in reality, i have convinced myself that i have done it just enough to fell OK about it but not enough to reach my heart and truly believe.  I need to love myself - and all my flaws, my past, my "bad" days in the kitchen, etc. enough to put my health first, to find the motivation i need. i need to  figure out what is holding me back from that - what is it i'm afraid of admitting or accepting in the process. i need to figure it out -- my life depends on it. 

reality check + vacation

I'm once again on vacation - writing from the same street as last year. i stared down chocolate yesterday - on my birthday - and didn't even want any. i guess that's a good thing. however, i am in a much different --and in some ways, more negative -- place than last year. 

but trying to eat healthy on vacation is HARD. everyone brings sweets. My MIL brought chocolate cake for my birthday - although i told my husband that i'd be happy with a fruit parfait or tart. At least it was a small cake, but i've had 3 pieces over the past 2 days. She brought at least a quart of blueberries from our favorite farm, and then commented that I should "save some for the rest of us" when I apparently put too many on my cereal one morning. i want to find local berries, but that too is met with questions about why i would spend my vacation driving around to try to find a farm...

Eating out is also a challenge. I've given up on finding 'healthy' on the menu at the beachside stands and institutions that have been here forever. I settled on a basic grilled cheese the other day-they did have a veggie sandwich but i know from past years that veggie is not something they do well. At least I went with something where I can identify the ingredients and relatively low in sodium.

We went out last night and i did not get ice cream -even as i stood in line with others who did- though i will probably get some tonight. After our surf & turf dinner of lobster (which i don't eat anyway) and steaks on the grill. I found local zucchini and organic (if not local) potatoes at the farm yesterday, so I plan to make something with those to go with the meat and carbs. We also have delicious local corn - our first of the season.

I feel better overall than I have for a while- almost lighter - though my ankles and calves are sore from all of the walking. My body is definitely reminding me that it is overall a bit rusty since last year's trip.  I am disappointed that i'm in the same bathing suit and different shorts this year -because the old ones don't fit well anymore.  That is upsetting to me. I suppose that is a good thing in the long run, but really not a good feeling and a reminder of how far I have NOT come since last year.  

SO - what do others do on vacation? Even if you can't always make the best choices, have limited options, etc.- how do you cope with that psychologically? it is hard not to feel like i'm defeating myself or to say "what the heck...i'm on vacation" and not lose focus on the big picture. 

Motivation & Finding my Key?

Invitation to go hiking w marathoner=instant motivation!

This is a good thing & i warned her that i am a v e r y. S l o w hiker- thought i enjoy it - but I have a lot of work to do! I'm really just a beginner. But excited that one of n's friends who loves being outdoors as much as he does can explore together. I'm kind of excited to have someone experienced to show me the trails. But very worried that the 6 yr olds can out run me!

Time to refocus on the walking routine that slipped while we were sick the past 6 weeks or so (when I get a cold, my asthma means that it takes a long time to get over it)...a few family walks have happened but definitely out of the habit--and missing it-- and the scale is showing it. I'm starting over again, it seems. I'm so ready for summer veggies & fruit!

Did I also mention in here that I - unfortunately - officially have pre-diabetes on my record? Trying to make sure I get more veggies in and glad to get back to more activity so I can reverse that. It runs in my family, so not a surprise, but not what I want to see before my 40th bday.
Cough variant asthma. (Possibly exercise induced at times as well). Fibromyalgia (under control most of the time). Allergies. Carpal tunnel. Bunion & orthotics (feet). Vericose veins. Edema (cause unknown).
So frustrating to be unhealthy and not find the key to keeping on top of exercise and nutrition at the same time.

So...(deep breath...) I know it has to be something internally holding me back. And though I have a wealth of things I've been working on & through for years, I think my heart does know...but doesn't know the solution...ugh. I am a survivor. When I was 12-- not coincidentally I'm sure, when I was my healthiest -- until 16, I was a victim of sexual abuse. It was a corner of my world that no one else saw and I carefully compartmentalized from the rest of my life at the time and since. I talk about it selectively (& worked through worked through w various professionals) but I think somewhere in the process, I lost the connection with my own body in a way., and the feeling that I deserve to be and feel happy. I have known this, but there was disconnection with the belief that it was true.

I don't know what led me to write it here today, but perhaps it is a sign of progress and finding the key for me...and perhaps reading will help someone else searching for theirs.

Life...interrupted

Busy week with my mom here from out of town. Schedule was not the norm, nor was eating -- but I still tried to make mostly healthy choices. We went to lunch the 1st day--I choose a "Woo Food" option that I knew was a bit healthier than the norm, and added extra broccoli. I'm getting quite good at asking for what I want, even when dining companions think I'm being picky or overly complicated. (I've realized a few things about our culture along the way-- but that's another post).
Ordered toppings on the side at Outback a few days later vi did get a baked potato but skipped the sour cream and had everything else on the side so I could choose how much I wanted to eat. I still had a great treat with that potato but only a few sprinkles of cheese and no bacon or sour cream. Extra side of broccoli was also great - topped with a splash of lemon. Yum!
So- consumption of not-always-healthy food was up and trips to the gym were down. BUT I did get there once and walked a few days when I could. I pulled out the scale mid-week and wasn't thrilled but also realistic considering the week we had.
SO- today's weekly number was a pleasant surprise. 8.5 gone in 6 weeks. I'm not looking forward to the impending snow this weekend, but I am excited that my son can try out his new sled and have already mentioned to him the possibility of going to try snowshoeing on Sunday.he asked about it 2 yrs ago but it was icy by then, and last year there just wasn't the snow to do it. So I'm determined to at least try this month and hope we can figure it out together! The Audubons near us have snowshoes for only $2-$5 and we're members so why not. I also think it might be fun for our son to see mom trying something new and enjoying the outdoors (even if I freeze doing it! I need warmer boots and snow pants--which are impossible to find for someone who is above a size 14 or so-- well above-- and short! )
On to another week!

Month 1

Jan 31... 7.5 pounds lost. Gym 10 days since jan 11 (seems longer than that). Intentional exercise 14/20 days. I'll call that a win. Today starts week 4 of my journey -- which, I'll note, has nothing to do with the new year; the calendar was just a coincidence.
Have my gym bag in the car just in case I get there today. Yesterday I changed at work but then was delayed - got to gym but not enough time to work out. So, I went home and walked around the block. Then i met my son's bus and did it again with him. I had no trouble keeping up with him and was reminded that walking in the rain can be fun! We would have gone again had it not been for the sleet mixing in. Fun!

Progress!

Since jan 7 (19 days): 8 trips to the gym, 11 workouts, 5 pounds gone.

Progress!

Scale or no scale...

I have a dilemma. I think I need to ignore the scale for a while. I know this is part of how I got back to where I am but today when I saw the number - even though it went down- it did not feel good. It took the happy I've been feeling and squashed it just a bit. I know that doesn't really make sense but I think maybe it is because it was another reminder of how much further I need to go and how crappy it feels to know I am losing this particular 25-30 pounds again.

I've been feeling good. I haven't been sending my food logs but I am eating better and writing it down. I'm not getting too upset if things aren't "perfect" - I'm ok if I'm refocusing in one area and only working through some of the rest for now. I'm content and happy.

I've gone to the gym 4 times this week and worked out 3 of them. I went when I didn't have time to stay very long; when it was raining and foggy and a perfect day to go home instead after work; when i had to drive across town on a sunday afternoon; when I was tired; when others questioned and asked me to come home. All easy excuses-- but I went anyway, and even texted my husband that it was fun! Yep-- Me. Exercise. Fun!
I feel invigorated. Happy. Loving this.

It's What I DO now

Heading to planet fitness I don't have much time today but even if I work out 25 minutes instead of 30 it's worth it. then the rush across town to get my son off the bus and run around all afternoon. It will be a rush but if not here, I'd be rushing somewhere else. I could go to target instead but I decided that it's finally time to put me first. strangely it feels like this is something I just do now doesn't feel like a chore. Yesterday i hit traffic & didnt get here in time to work out...but i went inside and got a tour/orientation. I decided that if i needed to go in to establish the routine. just feels like what.i.do.

Small Steps

Quick post - because I'm trying to stay accountable rather than 'say everything' that I'm thinking.

Today was a good day. Beautiful sunshine and dry pavement- after I saw the bus off, I walked to the end of my street, then back past our house and to the other end. It wasn't very long but it was a step in the right direction and reminded me of how much I love the solitude of a calm and quiet walk with nature. I need to find a way to get hiking/walking boots- I thought I had a good pair this summer but my podiatrist vetoed them. LOL. To say I have tricky feet is an understatement. I will probably need to get a men's pair to fit my feet and pay $$$ but one thing at a time I guess. They have to be comfortable without costing a fortune.

In any case-- I enjoyed the walk on a mild winter day. Came home, ate breakfast and instead of turning on the TV I turned on the WII. According to the game, I 'biked' nearly 2 miles then did a few other activities. It's a start...

on my way home, I stopped at the gym a-- and joined. I'm hoping to get back tomorrow for the full tour and maybe a walk.

Dinner didn't really happen since I fed mt son and got him to bed- then promptly fell asleep! I need to get back to freezer cooking or make ahead meals (suggestions always welcome)

In case I forget, i need to write about the coffee comparison

Thank you all for reading, taking time to comment here & elsewhere. I appreciate it!

Happy New Year

The scale was ugly- I won't lie. I'm not usually one to share this publicly but wish I could create a big flashing reminder on my phone, fridge, & wallet at all times and this is the closest I can come.

287...yes--that's a 2-8 :( I am amazed at how quickly the 'hovering within 5 pounds' turned into this again. I was sick and getting on the scale was not a priority. I was lazy- I let some of my good habits go. I stopped exercising. even when sick, I would catch up on tv completely sedentary rather than moving my body. I used to walk in place or do stretches, yoga, toning --at least during the commercials and often the nightly news. I bought ingredients to make sweets for the holidays--and when I ran out of time to make an extra batch, we ate the ingredients instead. A handful of chocolate chips here; a late night of peanut butter and fluff on a spoon...I do not feel guilty but really wish I'd just taken the 30 seconds to get on the scale and see the impact.

I lost all accountability to myself and that is why I am practically right back where I started. Except I am still generally healthier and don't eat any piece of random chocolate or salty snack put in front if me. I threw away half a bag of chocolate squares because they really were not what I enjoy. I have invested in the tools to help me succeed--and I shudder to think where I might be right now if I did not.

I said about a week ago that I would be realistic about holidays but would then recommit to myself. I signed in to myfitnesspal; started wearing my fitbit religiously again (but need to set up synching with a different computer since mine died-- wish they had wireless synching!). I am planning on getting back in touch with my program at UMass--even if i can't attend monthly meetings, I CAN send my food logs for a while to keep myself accountable.

I know this is a journey so I do not feel as if I've "failed" --because I caught myself. I have made the journey more difficult for myself for a while, taken a long detour from the intended path, but I am still on the road. It is my life and my future and I am committed to being here to fully embrace every moment of it.

a number i never thought i'd see again

this has been a hard fall. our house - including me - has been sick in one way or another for about 6 weeks. it has meant little exercise and little appetite - which meant i was pretty much eating the BRAT diet or crap when i did feel like eating. antibiotics landed me in urgent care with dehydration 2 weeks ago and just as i was coming out of that the holidays hit...now i think i have a head cold (again) but hopeful that is all and i may be able to start the new year moving in the right direction again. until about 2.5 weeks ago i was still checking the scale every week or so, but now not so much. i was about 5 lb in the wrong direction, which was frustrating but not insurmountable...
then i went to the doctor last week and saw a number i never thought i'd see again. now i'm just angry and disappointed in myself. frustrated in myself. annoyed that i have cough-variant (and maybe at times exercise induced) asthma so exercising when sick is not often a wise thing...but something has to change in a BIG way. This is NOT OK. i guess that's the first start...

a couple of months ago, my husband & I were driving around the mountain near us and i wished i'd had time to stop and take a short hike up from the base. I know i wouldn't get too far - it's a tall mountain and i don't have the right equipment (even good hiking boots) but i have discovered in recent years that i enjoy being in nature. i am calm and peaceful with the leaves and an open trail in front of me, wondering what i might find around the next corner. I don't love the mosquitos (they love me!) and ticks, nut when i don't have to share with them, i love the discovery that lies ahead of me. My son also seems to like exploring outdoors too. He often runs ahead of me. I would love to start hiking with him more regularly (anyone want to help us learn/explore?). So, in that moment, driving through and around the mountains, i decided that i would climb it by the time i'm 40. That's just over 2 years away. i could not do it today but hope that i can work up to it, build my endurance and confidence on my feet; and feel like i can be nimble enough to do it rather than uncomfortable and clumsy in my own skin.

i am working at panera today on a project for certification in my field and choose the veggie soup with clear broth rather than the yummy broccoli cheese or baked potato that i love. it's good and i'm not sure i really wanted something creamy today but on another day it might be more difficult. it was a very very very way-too-small step in the right direction so i'll hang on to that.

i miss the group i used to go to (if anyone is reading - i no longer get updates from the program?! and haven't been able to attend since the meeting was moved to evening at UMass) :( i wish there were another way to keep up with that source of encouragement or a weekend group. it is just helpful to feel like you can connect with others who understand the struggle - especially when it feels like a struggle.

there is a new fitness center that opened 5-10 min from my work so i'm thinking about joining there. when i told my husband i added that to my christmas idea list, he said "why? you won't go anyways." i can't change his opinion but can choose to not let it affect my actions. i just need to figure out how i can get there - i haven't found time to visit since things have been crazy with being sick, holidays, etc...but i am not happy with where things are so i need to change. i need to find a trainer to help me stay accountable - not necessarily to work out everyday but to check in, give me some ideas when i am low on energy or time, and help me stay focused on the goal...problem is that costs $, of which i have little...just having someone to check in on my activity might help me stay more accountable. i should be able to be accountable to myself but obviously that is too easy to avoid/ignore.

sorry for such a negative post (if i have any readers) but i said i'd keep it all here and this is where i am today. i hope bing honest about the struggle will help me in the long run. there was a time not too long ago where i may not have recognized or been bothered by where i am.

i'm going to be selfish for a minute -- if you are reading, and you don't see a post at least weekly, can you email me about it? hoping that will help me remember to keep this in the forefront of my busy life instead of the background. Thanks to my readers for your help!

Vacation is over

I actually feel like I've lost weight during my vacation but the scale showed +3 this morning. I can only imagine what could have been had i not done so much walking.

I enjoyed my vacation. I had ice cream several times-but also choose Lo-fat frozen yogurt with fruit once instead. I had a veggie sandwich on whole wheat English muffin for 'brunch' one morning instead of donuts or fried dough snacks.
But I also ate the potato chips with dinner -probably more than I've had in an entire year because we don't buy them at home- and several hot dogs which I don't love nut there's something about vacation.

I only bought 2 pieces of chocolate despite being surrounded by fudge and candy shops. I was kind of surprised that I didn't crave it more, but not entirely. It is an example of how my mind & body have changed. I truly didn't even want it.

I'm hoping some of The weight is from the sodium in vacation food but that is not an excuse.

I am glad that I did not go completely off track on vacation and found ways to pay attention to what I needed. The last night, they were bringing ice cream back to the house and I was planning a walk. I still took the walk - though I did get the ice cream on my own, i was walking 1+ hours first.

Unpacking today but after I get the laundry in, I plan to go for a walk. The iPod is ready. My son is at grandma's so it would be easy to sit and catch up on tv but I will take time for me in a new way.

THIS is vacation?!- a new perspective

Vacation- ironically this may be the milestone of change in this journey. I looked up a mountain nearby for a short hike --have been coming here for years and had no idea it existed. I never knew because I was content to stay in,not explore,& stick to the usual activity that everyone else was doing (antiquing, reading, driving. I haven't been there yet but I plan to go-we'll probably drive to the summit and then my son & I will do a short trail. We're pretty inexperienced at this but he loves hiking and I''m trying to make it something we can do together. I need a buddy though LOL!

Some people in my family think I'm strange & I am spending a bit more time away from them at times but I decided it's ok to do another 2 laps of the beach even if they want to go back to the house - ok to make me and my healthy interests a priority. It is difficult to be the change agent in a family but I have to do it for me. I have to give my son a good example too-healthy active parents are important no matter what the size & vacation can be just as fun exploring as sitting or building sandcastles.

I've never gone on vacation and looked for ways to get out & up! Just discovered snails eating on rocks in a tidepool that always seemed "too far" to walk.
I've done almost 5000 steps and it's only 9:30 a.m. I need vacation every week!

It's not an overnight huge change on the scale, but I think oneday I will look back and see this as a huge milestone on the journey. It's a cosmic shift in how I do vacation & I think a reminder that even though it's a long road and the scale nay be slow to budge, I have days that are awful eating days & way out of balance, my mindset has changed. I didn't feel like I "had to" walk like a chore but it was just something I did.

...and it feels amazing!

UPDATE: 8:45 pm- 11245 steps! 4.62 miles! 20 flights of stairs equivalent!

Strengthening the Core

just a quick note to remind myself (& any readers?) what to write about next.  I have been working my way back to things.  it is easy to get discouraged by not seeing the scale budge (or V-E-R-Y slowly) although it's not going up either, which is an improvement. . .So, exercise has  been lacking lately - did i mention that it's been 90+ degrees for at least a week here?! 
So, the main topic of today is that in order to work on/"fix" the outside, you must first seriously and thoughtfully, work on the INSIDE.  It's kind of like the airline rule that you must "first help yourself" before helping others.  In this case, Mind + Body *ARE* the "others."  I have learned a few things and also been forced to re-examine a few things from my past that i'd rather not. However, as i do that, my view is clarified and i realize that each new discovery is a step to strengthening the inside - the emotional inner child who is in hiding most of the time, but very much a presence in my life.  It is not easy work, but i cna see very small changes in the way i view the world and myself in it.  I feel like i'm making progress...

and on that note - for next time - is my favorite new & amazing tool ~ the FitBit!

An Uphill Battle...Memorial Day Alert FAIL

SO...i was at a memorial day cookout today. available food included:
pasta salad (did have a few peas, but not even really a good flavor -- i shared mine w/ my husband after 1 bite)
bbq turkey keilbasa
plain turkey keilbasa
hot dog/white bun
cheeseburger/white bun (store-bought, pre-made patties from the meat case of supermarket)
carrot cake w/ raisins & homemade cream chesse frosting
pita chips (Stacey's), potato chips (Cape Cod), crackers
Whipped cream cheese/chive
onion sour cream dip
& another onion dip that was similar to the dip that comes with Bloomin' Onion at Outback

um...yeah...so i ate way too much. Haven't had that much crap food for a loooong time (so maybe i'm making more progress than the scale shows).  I had pita chips but probably 2 portions by the time i was through & a LOT of the spicy onion dip that happened to end up on the table next to me outside. also potato chips (but stopped after about 10 because they just didn't taste as good to me as i remembered. i was feeling yucky from carb/processed food overload), 1 piece (1/4 of a link) bbq keilbasa, 1/2 cheeseburger (with yellow american cheese - probably not from the deli case...can you say processed!).
And, even though i don't love carrot cake, i had a piece...and then another small piece while sitting in the kitchen talking. It was so moist & the frosting was...wow...but as soon as i ate it, i felt the sugar bleh setting in.

Clearly my body & now my mind did not like what i was eating today. not a single fruit or veggie. there were lettuce leaves for the burgers on the table, but not what i wanted at the time. I thought maybe we'd have the traditional strawberry shortcake for dessert - fresh berries maybe...but not this year. i know those are loaded with sugar, etc. when we do have them but still...no berries. no watermelon. no veggies with dinner.
All of this in a family where 3 of us are actively trying to lose weight (or should be), 1 diabetic, 1 with all sorts of health issues, 1 who had a heart attack this spring, 1 who tries to avoid bread/eat "well," and 3 kids under the age of 5.

It is an uphill battle when THIS is the food scene that greets us at a family gathering.